Dear David,

     The question of why you did what you did has been on my mind recently. I wish that we could have realized that you were facing internal struggles (at least this is our assumption) and done something. I wonder what your thoughts were. When you talked to me you always seemed so happy. You were a fun person to talk to. I can't help but wish I knew what caused you to make that decision and if your mind could have been changed. Perhaps it is best not to know though because what is done can't be changed. I miss you David and I wish you hadn't have made that choice.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Comfort to my soul

Dear David,

      I can feel the reality of your death sinking in more and it hurts. I don't necessarily like how it feels to have this knowledge sink in, but at the same time I think it is best. Today as this knowledge troubled me I read in the scriptures and there is a verse I read that has brought comfort to my soul. It reads:

     "And the world, because of their iniquity, shall judge him ("him" being Christ) to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men." (emphasis added) (1 Nephi 19:9).

     I emphasized the part that has comforted me. This scripture is about Christ and it helps give a glimpse of His goodness and mercy. Christ, as described in this scripture, is the person who will be your advocate, David. He will speak for you. Because of this, what have I to fear? I will see you again, David. I will see you because of what Christ has done for us. I am so, so grateful for this.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Dear David

Dear David,

     I feel like you would have really liked it here if you'd decided to come to college at BYU Idaho. It's a great school. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to go here.
     The question of what you would have studied and become has crossed my mind. It saddens me that I will never know. I wish that you hadn't have ended your life so that I could have seen. I know that whatever you would have chosen, that you could have excelled.
      David, I feel like the fact that you are no longer here is sinking in a little more. It's a slow process, but I think that it is becoming more real for me.
      I love and miss you David. I wish you were still here.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Little Things

Dear David,
   
      I feel like it is the little things that remind me of you now. It can be something said in class, an activity you used to like, or something along those lines. I can't help but wonder if there will always be things to remind me of you. I don't think this is a bad thing. As time has passed I don't feel overwhelming sadness anymore when I have these reminders.
     I love you David and wish that you could still be here. It would be nice to really be able to talk to you again.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Dear David,
   
      I'm back in school (I just started this week) and life has gotten extremely busy. Despite being so busy I don't think a day passes by when I don't think about you. You seem to be on the back of my mind. I love you David. Be glad that you don't have to deal with homework anymore. I'm sure that you are loving that fact.

Love,
Your sister, Forever and Always, Jennifer

Wishing I New More

Dear David,

     The last few days you've been on my mind. I've seen some pictures of you as I've gone through my stuff to pack to go back to college. I won't deny it; I've teared up and cried a bit these last few days. David I miss you.
     I've reflected about the past, especially last Sunday when thoughts of you were brought to my mind. As I sat and listened to the speakers, one of the thoughts I had was that I don't feel like I ever got to know you that well. You were pretty quiet and when we did talk it wasn't about anything super deep. Don't get me wrong, we had great conversations, but I don't think you ever really let anyone in. Even though you were quiet I kept telling myself to be patient, not push you, and that one day you would open up. I don't know if that was best anymore because now I no longer have that opportunity. All I can do is wish that I could have had more time to get to know you and that with the time that I did have, that I could have gotten to know you better.
     I have one last hope though. I wasn't the only person in your life. I know that you knew a lot of other people. Perhaps the people who knew you could help give me a better picture of who you were. Maybe through them I can have another chance to get to know you a little better.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

To those of you who have read this. If you are willing I'd be grateful if you felt like sharing anything that you knew about my brother. The smallest thing would be great. If you don't want to share it on this blog and your my friend on Facebook, you could send me something that way. However you do it, I'd be grateful if you shared. I really do wish that I could have gotten to know my brother better and, after thinking about it, I've realized that if people were willing to share about him that I might get a second chance to learn a little more. Thank you.

Christmas

Dear David,

     Merry Christmas David! You are missed. I really wish that I could have had you around for at least one more Christmas. If only you could have waited, maybe you would have changed your mind. It's kind of hard to think that I might have been able to see you right now if you were still here. It would have been a year since I last saw you.
     I remember for all the Christmas' I had with you that you weren't easy to shop for. You never were much for material things. Poor mother would always wonder what to get you and I never could help much because I didn't know either. I know you appreciated the things that you were given though. As hard as you were to shop for, I'm going to miss that challenge.
     Today I'm with my husband and those of his family that are around. I got to see one of our cousin's and her husband for a little. I've also talked to one of my friends a bit and I've talked to our family. But I feel like I'm missing someone and that someone is you. I hope that wherever you are you can feel loved and that you can know you are thought of and remembered. I don't think a Christmas will go by that you won't be thought of. I'm positive that I'm not the only one thinking about you today. I feel bad for our parents who I know must miss you a lot too. Our sisters probably do too.
     As I've thought about Christmas I've thought about the true meaning. I think that more than ever I have had reason to be grateful for what Christmas represents. I'm so grateful for Christ's birth and what that has meant. Because of Christ I will get to see you again and that gives me hope. As much as I miss you and wish I could see you at least I know that death cannot keep me from from seeing you forever. For this reason I have cause to rejoice at this season. I want to remember this instead of feel sad and miss you. My goal is to try to think optimistically.
     I love you David, so much. Wherever you are at the moment I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer