Wishing I New More

Dear David,

     The last few days you've been on my mind. I've seen some pictures of you as I've gone through my stuff to pack to go back to college. I won't deny it; I've teared up and cried a bit these last few days. David I miss you.
     I've reflected about the past, especially last Sunday when thoughts of you were brought to my mind. As I sat and listened to the speakers, one of the thoughts I had was that I don't feel like I ever got to know you that well. You were pretty quiet and when we did talk it wasn't about anything super deep. Don't get me wrong, we had great conversations, but I don't think you ever really let anyone in. Even though you were quiet I kept telling myself to be patient, not push you, and that one day you would open up. I don't know if that was best anymore because now I no longer have that opportunity. All I can do is wish that I could have had more time to get to know you and that with the time that I did have, that I could have gotten to know you better.
     I have one last hope though. I wasn't the only person in your life. I know that you knew a lot of other people. Perhaps the people who knew you could help give me a better picture of who you were. Maybe through them I can have another chance to get to know you a little better.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

To those of you who have read this. If you are willing I'd be grateful if you felt like sharing anything that you knew about my brother. The smallest thing would be great. If you don't want to share it on this blog and your my friend on Facebook, you could send me something that way. However you do it, I'd be grateful if you shared. I really do wish that I could have gotten to know my brother better and, after thinking about it, I've realized that if people were willing to share about him that I might get a second chance to learn a little more. Thank you.

Christmas

Dear David,

     Merry Christmas David! You are missed. I really wish that I could have had you around for at least one more Christmas. If only you could have waited, maybe you would have changed your mind. It's kind of hard to think that I might have been able to see you right now if you were still here. It would have been a year since I last saw you.
     I remember for all the Christmas' I had with you that you weren't easy to shop for. You never were much for material things. Poor mother would always wonder what to get you and I never could help much because I didn't know either. I know you appreciated the things that you were given though. As hard as you were to shop for, I'm going to miss that challenge.
     Today I'm with my husband and those of his family that are around. I got to see one of our cousin's and her husband for a little. I've also talked to one of my friends a bit and I've talked to our family. But I feel like I'm missing someone and that someone is you. I hope that wherever you are you can feel loved and that you can know you are thought of and remembered. I don't think a Christmas will go by that you won't be thought of. I'm positive that I'm not the only one thinking about you today. I feel bad for our parents who I know must miss you a lot too. Our sisters probably do too.
     As I've thought about Christmas I've thought about the true meaning. I think that more than ever I have had reason to be grateful for what Christmas represents. I'm so grateful for Christ's birth and what that has meant. Because of Christ I will get to see you again and that gives me hope. As much as I miss you and wish I could see you at least I know that death cannot keep me from from seeing you forever. For this reason I have cause to rejoice at this season. I want to remember this instead of feel sad and miss you. My goal is to try to think optimistically.
     I love you David, so much. Wherever you are at the moment I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Wishing It Had Been Something Else

     When I found out how my brother had died I wished it could have been some other way. The idea that he felt miserable enough to take his life was awful and sickening. I can't even imagine his mindset. Sometimes I've tried to, but I suppose I will never know. I just wish that he could have been persuaded otherwise and made a different choice. No one knew though. There were tons of people who would have tried to change his mind had they have known. I know that a lot of people care for him and miss him. If only David could have realized this too.

How David Died

    The question of what my father said after he told me he had terrible news has gone a while unanswered. That question is how my brother died. After saying why it may become more clear why I've been hesitant to. As a reminder, please still think of my brother in a positive light. We do not know the answers to the many questions his death has brought.
     My fathers terrible news was this, my brother had committed suicide. Of course I didn't want to believe that. For the longest time I cried and asked "how?" before my question became answered. He had done so with a gun. At least such a death would be quick and hopefully painless. One question will never be answered on this earth though. It is one I will always carry with me. That is, "why?"  I have questioned if I even really want to know that answer or not. What I have decided to do though is not blame anyone. I don't think my brother would want me to and making that decision has brought me peace.
     I really wish things could have ended differently. I wish my brother would have reached out or realized how many people were there for him and were reaching out to him. I believe that if my brother could have comprehended how loved he was and how much pain his death would cause that he never would have done this. We all wish he hadn't. We all miss him.
     I do not think less of my brother. I do not know what internal struggle he went through. I do know that he faced trials and I am not to judge him. I am not mad at my brother. What I feel is sadness that he has left me, but I still feel great love. My thoughts of him are fond.
     My brother's suffering has ended and he now rests with our Savior. I believe that Christ welcomed him and made him feel loved. I believe that he is happy now and that I will see him again. I'm grateful that my religion believes that suicide isn't the same as murder. That Christ will be the judge because there are so many factors involved that we cannot understand. I do not fear because I know that Christ is my brother's advocate. I will see my brother again. I have hope and faith which keeps me from feeling despair. I thank my Savior for providing a way for me to see my brother again. I am comforted by my Savior as I know my brother is.

Christmas Thoughts

Dear David,

     Last night I thought about the time of year it is. I'd watched a Christmas movie and in it the mother of this one boy died. It was really touching. I couldn't help but think of you. I thought about how the last time I actually saw you was about a year ago. I'm pretty sure it had been just after Christmas. This made me wish to have just one more Christmas with you. Is just one more too much to ask? You may be there in spirit, but that isn't really the same.
     As I've thought about this I've also thought, is Christmas a time that will bring me sadness as I think about you? I allowed my thoughts to go farther and thought about what Christmas is about. Instead of looking at this in a negative light I want to find the good. I thought about how I should be grateful to have been able to see you then. I've also thought about how for Christmas we celebrate Christ's birth. It is because of Christ that I will see you again and for this reason I have cause to rejoice and not sorrow. I thank my Savior and Redeemer for this.
     I love you David. I hope that your spirit can be with us this holiday season and I look forward to the day when we will be together again.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Considering Sharing David's Death

     I know it's been a while since I've written. I became busy and didn't have a lot of time to go on the computer.
     As I thought about the fact that I haven't written in a while and wondered what I should write I contemplated if the time had come yet to discuss how David died. I think that I just might soon. Before I do though I want to make something clear.
     I haven't wanted to tell how my brother died until giving those who read this a better idea of who David was. I hope that he can always be remembered in a positive light. My brother was very smart, thoughtful, kind, and fun to be around. My wish is that his good qualities are what will come to the forefront of someone's mind when they think of him.

Dear David

Dear David,

    Today I watched Frozen for the second time. I love that movie and enjoyed it just as much the second time. I think you might have liked it, even if you wouldn't admit it. You probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as Ender's Game or some of the guy movies you told me about.
     David, I've gotten to the point where I can talk about you and not cry. But that doesn't mean that I'm over it. There are still moments where I get teary eyed and some where I cry. One happened yesterday while talking about you.
     I want to always remember you and feel connected to you. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget things about you. I'm afraid of forgetting about you. As time passes I try to cling onto memories now that they are the only things I have. I'm grateful for pictures. Those can help. I hope to always remember you and to not forget you. This goal sometimes seems hard because I haven't seen you in person for about a year now. I still remember talking to you on the phone, but that isn't the same as seeing you. I can't help but wonder if it is a mercy that I hadn't seen you in a while, so that your loss didn't hit as hard as it could have, or not. I don't know what would be best. I just hope that I can still remain close to you. I wonder how others going through something similar deal with this.
     I love you David and will keep you in my thoughts.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Ender's Game

Dear David,
   
     Yesterday I saw Ender's Game. I can't help but think about the conversation we had about it. You had read the book and looked forward to seeing it. You told me about how the book talked a lot about Ender's thoughts and you wondered how they would show that in the movie. I haven't read the book, but I don't know if they did much of that. You may have been disappointed, I don't know. I think that it was well done and interesting. I wish that I could really talk to you about it and hear your thoughts about it. Something else that I wonder is if you have watched the movie or even can. I kind of doubt it. I bet you have a lot more important things to do. But, I like to think that you've got to.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Thinking of You

Dear David,

     I know it's been a little while since writing, but know I've been thinking about you. You've even been sinking into my dreams. A dream I had a couple nights ago was really sweet. You came to say hi for a little and I got to hug you. It wasn't until after waking up that I thought, "That's probably the closest I can get to giving you one last hug, David. I'm glad I could at least do that." Even though I told you about how hugging our cousin felt a bit like hugging you one last time I feel like you tried to bless me even more by letting me hug you in my dream. Perhaps you really have heard my wish and wanted to make it even more real. Thank you.
    It's interesting how you've become a bigger part of my thoughts since after your passing. I wish I could have thought about you more often when you were here and that I could have made a bigger effort to get to know you. Though I wish this I don't feel bad. I know that I could feel bad about this, but it still seems like you tell me not to. I know that you don't blame anyone and that you wouldn't want anyone to blame themselves. This is a great quality and I'm grateful for it.
     I love you David.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Recent Picture

   
  I realize that I've put up a lot of younger pictures of my brother and that the couple older pictures I added aren't the easiest to see. I thought I should add a more recent picture of him.

Wondering

Dear David,

     I think about my own experience with your death and wonder what it is like for others when they lose a loved one. Even within our family I know that each of us are going though a slightly different experience with your death. For poor father he had to find you. For mother, our sisters, and I we heard about your death over the phone. The most we saw to confirm this awful news was your unmarked grave. I think that if I'd actually seen you that it would have been a lot harder to handle and that healing wouldn't be going as smoothly. I also wonder though if seeing you would have forced me to believe your death instead of still waiting for it to sink in. 

     I know that the gospel has been a huge crutch and comfort for me. But not everyone has something like this when someone they love dies. This makes me shutter to imagine what it would be like for them. How could anyone cope without knowing that they will see their loved one again? Knowing that I will see you again has given me great comfort and hope. I do not have to despair. But what about those that don't have this knowledge? I wish that those who didn't could know that there is hope and that they will see their loved ones again. If only this great news could be spread to all and comfort them like it has me. 

     David, I look forward to the day when we will meet again. 

Love,

Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer 

Pictures

If a picture is worth a thousand words than does that make three worth three thousand? Here are three pictures of my brother doing different things he loved. 

David loved basket ball

David loved chocolate and icecream

David loved to hike