Wishing I New More

Dear David,

     The last few days you've been on my mind. I've seen some pictures of you as I've gone through my stuff to pack to go back to college. I won't deny it; I've teared up and cried a bit these last few days. David I miss you.
     I've reflected about the past, especially last Sunday when thoughts of you were brought to my mind. As I sat and listened to the speakers, one of the thoughts I had was that I don't feel like I ever got to know you that well. You were pretty quiet and when we did talk it wasn't about anything super deep. Don't get me wrong, we had great conversations, but I don't think you ever really let anyone in. Even though you were quiet I kept telling myself to be patient, not push you, and that one day you would open up. I don't know if that was best anymore because now I no longer have that opportunity. All I can do is wish that I could have had more time to get to know you and that with the time that I did have, that I could have gotten to know you better.
     I have one last hope though. I wasn't the only person in your life. I know that you knew a lot of other people. Perhaps the people who knew you could help give me a better picture of who you were. Maybe through them I can have another chance to get to know you a little better.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

To those of you who have read this. If you are willing I'd be grateful if you felt like sharing anything that you knew about my brother. The smallest thing would be great. If you don't want to share it on this blog and your my friend on Facebook, you could send me something that way. However you do it, I'd be grateful if you shared. I really do wish that I could have gotten to know my brother better and, after thinking about it, I've realized that if people were willing to share about him that I might get a second chance to learn a little more. Thank you.

Christmas

Dear David,

     Merry Christmas David! You are missed. I really wish that I could have had you around for at least one more Christmas. If only you could have waited, maybe you would have changed your mind. It's kind of hard to think that I might have been able to see you right now if you were still here. It would have been a year since I last saw you.
     I remember for all the Christmas' I had with you that you weren't easy to shop for. You never were much for material things. Poor mother would always wonder what to get you and I never could help much because I didn't know either. I know you appreciated the things that you were given though. As hard as you were to shop for, I'm going to miss that challenge.
     Today I'm with my husband and those of his family that are around. I got to see one of our cousin's and her husband for a little. I've also talked to one of my friends a bit and I've talked to our family. But I feel like I'm missing someone and that someone is you. I hope that wherever you are you can feel loved and that you can know you are thought of and remembered. I don't think a Christmas will go by that you won't be thought of. I'm positive that I'm not the only one thinking about you today. I feel bad for our parents who I know must miss you a lot too. Our sisters probably do too.
     As I've thought about Christmas I've thought about the true meaning. I think that more than ever I have had reason to be grateful for what Christmas represents. I'm so grateful for Christ's birth and what that has meant. Because of Christ I will get to see you again and that gives me hope. As much as I miss you and wish I could see you at least I know that death cannot keep me from from seeing you forever. For this reason I have cause to rejoice at this season. I want to remember this instead of feel sad and miss you. My goal is to try to think optimistically.
     I love you David, so much. Wherever you are at the moment I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Wishing It Had Been Something Else

     When I found out how my brother had died I wished it could have been some other way. The idea that he felt miserable enough to take his life was awful and sickening. I can't even imagine his mindset. Sometimes I've tried to, but I suppose I will never know. I just wish that he could have been persuaded otherwise and made a different choice. No one knew though. There were tons of people who would have tried to change his mind had they have known. I know that a lot of people care for him and miss him. If only David could have realized this too.

How David Died

    The question of what my father said after he told me he had terrible news has gone a while unanswered. That question is how my brother died. After saying why it may become more clear why I've been hesitant to. As a reminder, please still think of my brother in a positive light. We do not know the answers to the many questions his death has brought.
     My fathers terrible news was this, my brother had committed suicide. Of course I didn't want to believe that. For the longest time I cried and asked "how?" before my question became answered. He had done so with a gun. At least such a death would be quick and hopefully painless. One question will never be answered on this earth though. It is one I will always carry with me. That is, "why?"  I have questioned if I even really want to know that answer or not. What I have decided to do though is not blame anyone. I don't think my brother would want me to and making that decision has brought me peace.
     I really wish things could have ended differently. I wish my brother would have reached out or realized how many people were there for him and were reaching out to him. I believe that if my brother could have comprehended how loved he was and how much pain his death would cause that he never would have done this. We all wish he hadn't. We all miss him.
     I do not think less of my brother. I do not know what internal struggle he went through. I do know that he faced trials and I am not to judge him. I am not mad at my brother. What I feel is sadness that he has left me, but I still feel great love. My thoughts of him are fond.
     My brother's suffering has ended and he now rests with our Savior. I believe that Christ welcomed him and made him feel loved. I believe that he is happy now and that I will see him again. I'm grateful that my religion believes that suicide isn't the same as murder. That Christ will be the judge because there are so many factors involved that we cannot understand. I do not fear because I know that Christ is my brother's advocate. I will see my brother again. I have hope and faith which keeps me from feeling despair. I thank my Savior for providing a way for me to see my brother again. I am comforted by my Savior as I know my brother is.

Christmas Thoughts

Dear David,

     Last night I thought about the time of year it is. I'd watched a Christmas movie and in it the mother of this one boy died. It was really touching. I couldn't help but think of you. I thought about how the last time I actually saw you was about a year ago. I'm pretty sure it had been just after Christmas. This made me wish to have just one more Christmas with you. Is just one more too much to ask? You may be there in spirit, but that isn't really the same.
     As I've thought about this I've also thought, is Christmas a time that will bring me sadness as I think about you? I allowed my thoughts to go farther and thought about what Christmas is about. Instead of looking at this in a negative light I want to find the good. I thought about how I should be grateful to have been able to see you then. I've also thought about how for Christmas we celebrate Christ's birth. It is because of Christ that I will see you again and for this reason I have cause to rejoice and not sorrow. I thank my Savior and Redeemer for this.
     I love you David. I hope that your spirit can be with us this holiday season and I look forward to the day when we will be together again.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Considering Sharing David's Death

     I know it's been a while since I've written. I became busy and didn't have a lot of time to go on the computer.
     As I thought about the fact that I haven't written in a while and wondered what I should write I contemplated if the time had come yet to discuss how David died. I think that I just might soon. Before I do though I want to make something clear.
     I haven't wanted to tell how my brother died until giving those who read this a better idea of who David was. I hope that he can always be remembered in a positive light. My brother was very smart, thoughtful, kind, and fun to be around. My wish is that his good qualities are what will come to the forefront of someone's mind when they think of him.

Dear David

Dear David,

    Today I watched Frozen for the second time. I love that movie and enjoyed it just as much the second time. I think you might have liked it, even if you wouldn't admit it. You probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as Ender's Game or some of the guy movies you told me about.
     David, I've gotten to the point where I can talk about you and not cry. But that doesn't mean that I'm over it. There are still moments where I get teary eyed and some where I cry. One happened yesterday while talking about you.
     I want to always remember you and feel connected to you. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget things about you. I'm afraid of forgetting about you. As time passes I try to cling onto memories now that they are the only things I have. I'm grateful for pictures. Those can help. I hope to always remember you and to not forget you. This goal sometimes seems hard because I haven't seen you in person for about a year now. I still remember talking to you on the phone, but that isn't the same as seeing you. I can't help but wonder if it is a mercy that I hadn't seen you in a while, so that your loss didn't hit as hard as it could have, or not. I don't know what would be best. I just hope that I can still remain close to you. I wonder how others going through something similar deal with this.
     I love you David and will keep you in my thoughts.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Ender's Game

Dear David,
   
     Yesterday I saw Ender's Game. I can't help but think about the conversation we had about it. You had read the book and looked forward to seeing it. You told me about how the book talked a lot about Ender's thoughts and you wondered how they would show that in the movie. I haven't read the book, but I don't know if they did much of that. You may have been disappointed, I don't know. I think that it was well done and interesting. I wish that I could really talk to you about it and hear your thoughts about it. Something else that I wonder is if you have watched the movie or even can. I kind of doubt it. I bet you have a lot more important things to do. But, I like to think that you've got to.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Thinking of You

Dear David,

     I know it's been a little while since writing, but know I've been thinking about you. You've even been sinking into my dreams. A dream I had a couple nights ago was really sweet. You came to say hi for a little and I got to hug you. It wasn't until after waking up that I thought, "That's probably the closest I can get to giving you one last hug, David. I'm glad I could at least do that." Even though I told you about how hugging our cousin felt a bit like hugging you one last time I feel like you tried to bless me even more by letting me hug you in my dream. Perhaps you really have heard my wish and wanted to make it even more real. Thank you.
    It's interesting how you've become a bigger part of my thoughts since after your passing. I wish I could have thought about you more often when you were here and that I could have made a bigger effort to get to know you. Though I wish this I don't feel bad. I know that I could feel bad about this, but it still seems like you tell me not to. I know that you don't blame anyone and that you wouldn't want anyone to blame themselves. This is a great quality and I'm grateful for it.
     I love you David.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Recent Picture

   
  I realize that I've put up a lot of younger pictures of my brother and that the couple older pictures I added aren't the easiest to see. I thought I should add a more recent picture of him.

Wondering

Dear David,

     I think about my own experience with your death and wonder what it is like for others when they lose a loved one. Even within our family I know that each of us are going though a slightly different experience with your death. For poor father he had to find you. For mother, our sisters, and I we heard about your death over the phone. The most we saw to confirm this awful news was your unmarked grave. I think that if I'd actually seen you that it would have been a lot harder to handle and that healing wouldn't be going as smoothly. I also wonder though if seeing you would have forced me to believe your death instead of still waiting for it to sink in. 

     I know that the gospel has been a huge crutch and comfort for me. But not everyone has something like this when someone they love dies. This makes me shutter to imagine what it would be like for them. How could anyone cope without knowing that they will see their loved one again? Knowing that I will see you again has given me great comfort and hope. I do not have to despair. But what about those that don't have this knowledge? I wish that those who didn't could know that there is hope and that they will see their loved ones again. If only this great news could be spread to all and comfort them like it has me. 

     David, I look forward to the day when we will meet again. 

Love,

Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer 

Pictures

If a picture is worth a thousand words than does that make three worth three thousand? Here are three pictures of my brother doing different things he loved. 

David loved basket ball

David loved chocolate and icecream

David loved to hike

Slowly Healing

Dear David,

     I remember how hearing the news caused me to break down and how for a little while after that life was really hard. Well I'm getting a bit better. I'm definitely better than I first was. I think that we all are. Of course none of us are over it and I don't think life can ever completely be normal. But at least I'm not crying every day anymore. There are still times when I have my moments though. Even after so much time has passed I still haven't fully digested the fact that you are gone. But it seems like slowly, piece by piece, it sinks in a little more. I wonder what the day will be like when it really sinks in and when that day will be. I wonder if that day will ever come. I wonder if I'll realize it when that happens or if it will be so subtly that one day I'll just realize that it has.
     Thanks for listening David. We all love and miss you.

Love,
Your sister, forever and always, Jennifer

Wishing David were still here

     There are times when I wish my brother were still here and could help me. I'm sure that anyone who has lost a loved one has felt something like this before. I wonder how some things could have been different if David were still here to talk to. I wonder what answers we could have come up with together. A part of me can't help but feel robbed of being able to still talk to him.
     At times I wonder how things would be different with him still around. Would I have to deal with some of the problems that I am now? That have come from his death? Would similar problems have simply come later? I probably will never get such answers to these questions. I suppose that I must learn to live without them and try to figure out how to live life with how things are.

Thanksgiving

Dear David,
   
     I want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. We miss having you here, physically with us. I'm sure that your spirit lingers near us on this day though. I can't help but think about how you would mostly eat turkey and probably avoid a lot of the other things. I love you David and I'm grateful for all of the Thanksgivings that I got to have with you. I hope to feel your presence today and in future ones to come.

Love,
Your sister Jennifer

Dear David

Dear David,

     A couple weeks ago in church something really sunk in. That was how grateful I am for our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His sacrifice. As I thought about what our Savior did for us I realized that it is because of Him that I can have hope and joy now. I do not need to despair because I can see you again. This is possible because of Christ. I'm so grateful for this. I'm grateful that He has provided a way for us to see each other again.  Because of what Christ did I will see you again. I have hope. I do not have to despair. Christ has made it possible for families to be together forever. This means that OUR family can be together forever. Death will not permanently separate us. This gives me peace. I do not feel like I could feel such peace, comfort, and hope at a time like this without this knowledge. I can even feel joy. I'm so grateful for Christ's atonement. I'm so grateful that there is hope. There is good news. And, despite whatever trial I face in this life, I can have joy because of Christ. David, I look forward to the day when I can see you again.

Love,
Your sister Jennifer

My Aunts thoughts

One of my Aunts sent me something about my brother that she said I could share, and I would like to. This is what she said:

                                                                        David Bieser

It was a pleasure watching David grow for 16 years and being a part of his family.  I remember thinking, “Oh that poor boy surrounded by girls”!  But I know he enjoyed being the man of the house.  He loved his mom and sisters and was a happy child.  I remember that he loved to play board games with them and his cousins.  And he loved to tease them like any typical brother.

When I went into David’s bedroom in Chino Hills when he was young, he had a small table next to his bed.  Instead of being covered with typical boy toys of cars, books etc, he had a Christmas scene with Pine trees covered in snow.  I asked Julie why he had that and she said he just loved the miniature scene which reminded him of Christmas and nature.  I knew he was sensitive and special back then.

David was a good swimmer and enjoyed swimming in our pool or going with us to Lake Powell.  His last trip to Lake Powell was May 2012 and he enjoyed hiking and seeing the beauty of the outdoors.  He was photographed at Rainbow Bridge and hiking in the Slot Canyons.  He loved climbing rocks and conquering the cliffs to be rewarded with the great scenery at the top.

When David moved to St George, he started to grow his hair long.  His Uncle Kurt took him to a barber when he first moved to town.  But he let his hair grow longer and longer.  He actually trusted me to trim his hair when I visited his home.  I felt honored that he allowed me to do that!

He found his first girlfriend in St George.  What girl wouldn’t love that tall handsome young man?  He was quiet but obviously a girl found him fascinating!

I always marveled that David grew into a tall, strong young man.  He was such a picky eater!  I marveled that when I cooked a Roast Beef dinner with all the trimmings, he would only eat the meat and a roll.  I would look at his shoes and say, “Good Grief.  What size shoes do you wear?”  I would tease him that he had a good foundation.  One thing David really got excited about was candy or desert.  He would never pass up a treat unless it had fruit in it!

David was a good kid who went to church, seminary and gave talks in Sacrament meeting.  He knew what was right and wrong.  He was quiet and always kind and respectful.  I was proud to be his Aunt and have him in my home and life.  I will always remember David and how much he loved his mother and sisters and the great examples they were to him in his life.

About David

     My eulogy told about my brother, but there is still more to share. For one thing he seemed shy at first to new people, but once he got more comfortable he loosened up. Those who spent the time to get to know him realized what an fun person he could be. He liked to make jokes and I believe really enjoyed making people laugh.
     A little after my brother died, my mother and I looked through his stuff to figure out what we wanted to display for his service. He didn't have a lot. David was never sentimental. Of course there were things he liked a lot, but he never seemed to get super attached. I remember that he got into gameboy and DS games. Later he got into computer games. He also liked to read.
     Something cool that my mom and I discovered while looking through some of his stuff were a few notes he'd taken while in seminary, a church class. One thing about my brother was that he did not like to write. He always struggled with writing neatly and I believe his least favorite class was English. So, there weren't many notes, but the majority of notes consisted of quotes. It was really cool reading some of the quotes he liked. I feel like my brother was a deep thinker and I know that he was really smart. One of the notes he took that wasn't based on a quote was a goal he had. His goal was to come up with better jokes that made people laugh instead of using sarcasm. For a long time my brother used sarcasm and it wasn't always the nicest. I believe we pointed this out a few times. I never realized that what we had said sunk in and that he had desired to change. I noticed a difference in his humor and that he used a lot less sarcasm. I'm proud of my brother for this.
     I hope that the things I shared can help fill in the picture of who he was.

Grateful

Seeing as Thanksgiving is coming up I would like to say something I'm thankful for about my brother, David. I'm grateful for the time I got to spend with him and for the joy he brought into my life. I'm grateful to have him as a brother.

Dear David

For my post today I want to do what I call a "Dear David" post. For this I would like to write as if I were talking to him.

Dear David,

     Yesterday I seemed to think about you a lot. I don't think there was any main thing to cause me to, but I did. When I think about you though my mind seems to try to block out the fact that your actually dead. Last night though I could see a picture of you where I sat. It made me start thinking about you. This time I tried to actually digest the fact that you were dead. I think it sunk in a little more and that hurt. It made me cry. I remember thinking last night, "The boy I remember just can't be dead. No, not the laughing, smiling boy I know. Not the one that sounded so happy and was so much fun to be around. No, my brother can't be dead."
     I wonder to myself how something as terrible as your death could actually be. And how can I ever truly believe it? Do I even want to believe it? There is a part of me that does. I want to because I believe it could help me move on. But, then there is a part of me that doesn't. It keeps pushing the fact aside.
     There is something I wish I could really tell you David in person, but I guess this will have to do. I love you and am proud of you. I'm grateful for the time I had with you. Of course I wish I could have had more. I really wanted to get to know you better, but at least I had the time that I did. I miss you and wish that I could see you. I wish that I could talk to you for one last time. I remember after learning about your death saying, "I just want to give him one more hug, just one more hug." I wish I could do that. Would you like to know something really cool though? Our cousin was at your service. Do you remember how he is also tall and kind of skinny like you? When he hugged me I kinda felt like it was you. I felt like, in a sense, I was getting my one last hug from you. I like to believe that you could feel that hug too.

Love,
Your sister Jennifer

The Service

     The service we had for my brother was beautiful. We brought some of his favorite things and displayed them. My grandmother and Aunt got gorgeous flowers. I gave the eulogy, as you can see. I managed to give the eulogy without breaking down. I shed a few tears, but I was able to even add a few extra things that I felt impressed to.
     Something you should know is that I am religious and something that I think helped me to give my eulogy is I told Heavenly Father that if He wanted me to give the eulogy that if he would please hug me or send David to, that I would appreciate it. I feel like He did. I'm very grateful for that. I know that my religion has helped me greatly through this. It has been a source of huge comfort.
     I kept hoping and thinking that having the service and seeing my brother's grave would make it real for me...but it didn't really. The grave hasn't been marked yet. As I stared at the grave and thought to myself, "My brother's body is buried down there," I just couldn't make it seem real. Probably half of me believed it was and the other half fought to deny the truth. I feel like I'm still struggling for it to sink in completely. I still wonder when the day will come when it will feel real. It hasn't helped that the most I saw was the unmarked grave. Because he died when at my father's house he was far away from me. I hadn't even seen him for a bit less than a year. It feels like my brother could still be there with my father and that he'll call me and say 'hi' sometime.

Eulogy

For my brother's service I gave a eulogy of him and would like to share that here. I really hope that my brother can be remembered in this light.

David, Beloved Brother

            Even as a small child David had a sense of humor. My mother shared an early memory of him coming over to her laughing. He pulled her over to a trashcan. He thought that something was really funny and he couldn’t talk yet, so he pointed while laughing at the trashcan. There, in the trashcan, my mother found a washcloth. He had thrown it in and thought it to have disappeared. He did this a few more times and also threw balls and washcloths into the sink to make them disappear.  

His humor continued to grow with him. He always could make us laugh and smile. Without him meaning to he gave us another story which has kept us laughing for years. When we moved to Chino Hills we still needed cement to be put in. He was about three at this time and outside while it happened. When the cement had been poured my mother told him not to touch it and he told her he wouldn’t. When my mom came back she found him drawing with a stick in it. When she questioned him he proudly exclaimed, “It’s okay mommy! I didn’t do it, the stick did it.” The cement couldn’t be completely fixed. They tried to smooth it out, but that cement remains rough to this day.

Like us David has been an animal lover. His favorite stuffed animal was Pellet, a stuffed animal hamster, which he always took with him. He loved stuffed animal cats and other such animals. He and I played with them and also pretended to be different animals. Though David didn’t always agree with the pets we acquired he was always nice to them and didn’t say anything negative.

David recently enjoyed computer games, his DS, books, anime, hiking, basketball, ping pong, watching movies, and church. For a long time David loved his DS and had multiple games that he liked to play on it. He got more into computer games as time passed. I believe mainly Facebook games. While Amber and I were at college he asked Amber to play a few computer games with him so that they could spend time together. Amber did and enjoyed chatting with him with instant message while they played.

All of his life David has been a great church member. He always went to church and would even open the door for us. I’d grown so used to it that one time when he was away I waited in front of the church door for him to open it and had to be reminded that he wasn’t there. Shortly before David’s death I heard that he gave a really good talk about education. Haru also discovered that one of his old Facebook passwords was “temple”. David always did what he was asked to at church such as collecting fast offerings and home teaching. I remember having really good conversations with him about church. These memories are ones I shall always cherish.

The legacy that I wanted to stress about David was his two hearts. On the side of his face were freckles that formed a perfect heart. I do not believe that this was there by mistake. Not only does David mean “beloved”, but he lived in such a way that it was like he had two hearts worth of love. We always used to tease him about this, but I believe that this is because all of us really liked his freckle heart.

There are many examples of how David lived a life filled with enough love for two hearts. Even when he became stronger than us he was always gentle and worked hard not to hurt us. Nicole told me a story of how when she played basketball with him he always went easy on her. He was always patient and encouraging with her even when she didn’t feel like she could make a basket. She said they never actually played the game since she wasn’t good enough, but that he liked just trying to get baskets with her.

My brother never wanted to burden people with his problems. I believe he did this out of kindness, though we wish that he would have opened up more. He knew that we all faced hard things and I don’t think he wanted to add to our problems. He also never boasted even when he did really well or got an award. My mother showed me some awards he got for classes that he excelled in. When a subject fascinated him he did really well and I believe got A’s. David was really smart and liked hard subjects like physics, hard math classes, and psychology. I remember him sharing cool things he learned about psychology and I loved hearing what he learned.

Even as a small child he had a big heart. My brother loved our Pokémon cards and one day Nicole’s went missing. Nicole knew that he had to have taken them, but didn’t blame him. We all searched for them and couldn’t find where they were. David decided to let Nicole borrow his special Pokémon cards so that she wouldn’t miss hers so much until we found them. Nicole believed this to be a way to help cover up that he’d taken them, but she still didn’t blame him. A good few months later someone found Nicole’s cards up on top of the fridge where she had hidden them so that they couldn’t be stolen. David hadn’t taken hers at all and when he let her borrow his cards, there was no ulterior motive.

Something I love about my brother is his willingness to give people a chance. Despite the adversity around him he did what he thought was right, which was to give living with my father a chance. None of us before him had thought to do this, but David was willing to try.

I love all that my brother is and what he has taught me through the life he lived. The memory of him that comes to mind as I think about him now is a smiling, laughing, happy boy. A brother that could make me feel good just by talking to him. I remember talking to him on the phone and feeling happier after I did. Despite people saying that something like this always leaves a hole in your heart, I do not want this for me. I want to be able to think of my brother and smile as his memory brings joy and happiness to me. I do not want his death to be the end of the happiness that he shared with me. I want the hole that I now feel to be filled with love, happiness, and joy towards his memory.

I’ve tried to ponder what I can learn from this and what David would want me to know and share. As I thought about this there are a few thoughts that came to mind. One such thought was how when an event like this happens we tend to only think about the good about that person and forget about the bad. I believe that the Savior always sees us in such a light. I’ve decided that I want to try to view people around me in such a way. I want to see them with love and understanding.

A message that I feel like David would like me to share came to me in this simple phrase, “No more hating, just loving.” Also I think that everyone in my family has felt the simple message that “It’s okay,” whenever we feel sad or when we start to feel regret. I have felt like whenever I’ve felt the slightest bit of regret that I’ve been told, “Stop, don’t go there. It’s okay. Don’t blame yourself about anything.” I feel like David doesn’t want any of us to hold regrets or blame ourselves or others for this. I believe this because of the example he set during his life and because of how he lived up to having the extra heart that was outwardly displayed by freckles.

I will always love my brother as I know all of my family will. He will always remain in our hearts, in our thoughts, and in our lives. May the memory we all hold be of him laughing and smiling and bringing joy into our lives.

Questions

     I believe that when losing someone we all face questions. I know that I have. In my earlier blog I mentioned thinking about how my children wouldn't get to meet him. There are other things I think about, wonder about, and question. I wonder what it would have been like to see him grow. What his thoughts were. I wish that I could have gotten to know him better. What would he have chosen to do when he got older? Who would he have married? What would he look like? What would he study in college? Which college would he have gone to? And of course there are many questions that have come to mind about his death. Why did that have to happen? And questions about what the future will be like. Will I ever completely heal? Is that even possible?
     I would like to open this blog up for people to post questions they may have had if they lost someone. Maybe asking them can help us move on. I'm not sure if it will help me to or not, but at least saying my questions can help me think about them. We might never know the answers while on earth, but another question I wonder is: Do we need to? Would it be better to know? Perhaps I am not meant to know the answers to my questions. Perhaps it is better that way.
     Because I cannot know the answer to many of my questions I want to try to think positively. I like to think my brother is happier now. I like to think that my future can still be good. I like to think that I will be able to move on and live past this. I like to believe that I can learn from this and that there is meaning. Perhaps some of the things that I like to believe won't be, but what does it hurt me to think this way? Thinking positively helps me. It makes me feel better. I'd like to encourage others to try to do the same.

The News

     I think I want to approach this blog differently for right now. I'm sorry for my sudden change of mind on how I want to deal with this. For those who didn't see my previous entries I wrote about five and then decided to delete them. I want to try doing it differently. As quick background my parents are divorced and my brother died while living with my father. I decided to write this blog to help myself heal and I also hope that it might be able to help someone else going through something similar.

     For this next entry I want to share about when I first heard the news. When I first heard of his death my reaction was denial. I couldn't believe that something like this could happen. My dad was the one to tell me. It was through a phone call . Gosh I remember his first words: "I have terrible news". When I heard those words I believed his news would be about something happening to one of his pets. I never imagined that it would be my brothers death. When he told me I became hysteric. My husband was in the room and immediately noticed my distress. He came over and held me up as I broke down in tears and tried to make sense of what I had heard. I remember asking questions loudly into the phone. Most of what I did was probably cry. My father said nothing for the longest time, but spoke a little later. After saying goodbye I curled up on my bed and my husband continued to try to comfort me. He too cried with me.
     After crying for a little while there were a few things that came to mind that seemed to break my heart even more. One of those things was this thought: "My poor mother. How will she react?" Thinking about the sorrow she would feel made me sob harder. I also thought about my sisters. I couldn't stand to think of their reactions. One of the next hardest thoughts was that my brother would never meet my future children on earth and that my future children wouldn't know him here. That thought still hurts me. I'm sure he would have been a great uncle to them. Probably one of the best.
     I remember crying for a long time. Sometimes I would calm down a bit and then another thought would cause more tears to flow. Something I realized is that I really wanted to be with my sisters and mother so I asked my husband if we could go. He said we could so we forced ourselves to eat breakfast and then pack.
     One of my sisters was still at home and my mom and other one were working. My poor sister who was at home heard the news and had to deal with it alone. I did my best to text her and talked to her a bit on the phone. I told her that we were going to come.
     When I made it to my mother's she had already heard. The rest of that day seems like a fog and time seemed to move differently for quite a while.
   

I decided to delete my earlier posts. Sorry. I'm unsure whether or not I will continue this blog and how I want to approach it.