The News

     I think I want to approach this blog differently for right now. I'm sorry for my sudden change of mind on how I want to deal with this. For those who didn't see my previous entries I wrote about five and then decided to delete them. I want to try doing it differently. As quick background my parents are divorced and my brother died while living with my father. I decided to write this blog to help myself heal and I also hope that it might be able to help someone else going through something similar.

     For this next entry I want to share about when I first heard the news. When I first heard of his death my reaction was denial. I couldn't believe that something like this could happen. My dad was the one to tell me. It was through a phone call . Gosh I remember his first words: "I have terrible news". When I heard those words I believed his news would be about something happening to one of his pets. I never imagined that it would be my brothers death. When he told me I became hysteric. My husband was in the room and immediately noticed my distress. He came over and held me up as I broke down in tears and tried to make sense of what I had heard. I remember asking questions loudly into the phone. Most of what I did was probably cry. My father said nothing for the longest time, but spoke a little later. After saying goodbye I curled up on my bed and my husband continued to try to comfort me. He too cried with me.
     After crying for a little while there were a few things that came to mind that seemed to break my heart even more. One of those things was this thought: "My poor mother. How will she react?" Thinking about the sorrow she would feel made me sob harder. I also thought about my sisters. I couldn't stand to think of their reactions. One of the next hardest thoughts was that my brother would never meet my future children on earth and that my future children wouldn't know him here. That thought still hurts me. I'm sure he would have been a great uncle to them. Probably one of the best.
     I remember crying for a long time. Sometimes I would calm down a bit and then another thought would cause more tears to flow. Something I realized is that I really wanted to be with my sisters and mother so I asked my husband if we could go. He said we could so we forced ourselves to eat breakfast and then pack.
     One of my sisters was still at home and my mom and other one were working. My poor sister who was at home heard the news and had to deal with it alone. I did my best to text her and talked to her a bit on the phone. I told her that we were going to come.
     When I made it to my mother's she had already heard. The rest of that day seems like a fog and time seemed to move differently for quite a while.